Friday Fictioneer 100 Word Story: Hawk

Hawk

I waited for her to come out. There were convenient benches, but I did not sit; I was too agitated. When would she come out? Would she see me over here? Would she recognise me?

I knew I’d recognise her. Her silhouette was indelibly ingrained in my mind. Baby field mice are born with bone-chilling terror at the shape of a hawk wing shadow gliding across the terrain; she was that to me.

Most men would say she was stunning, flowing hair, long legs, voluptuous, but her shape was a hawk’s shadow; the terror was imprinted in me.

 

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40 comments

  1. Once again a vivid little tale, and a great metaphor/simile. Perfectly written, concise and evocative. The wild contrast of the voluptuos woman striking fear into this man’s soul akin to the instintual fear of the field mouse – really striking, literally.
    Good job,
    Lindaura

    • Thanks, Craig. It’s a factoid that has been laying around in my memory for years, that creatures are born with the images of certain shapes to be afraid of and I finally got to use it. Never throw anything out, it might be useful some day.

  2. I used to marry women like that!

    I think Linda pretty much nailed it in terms of analysis. Concise, evocative, and so much more to come.

    Ironically, I went in exactly the opposite direction this week … a rare subject matter for me, and compounded by my option to use only dialogue. As I pointed out at Madison’s site, the pacing was problematic and would appreciate suggestions for how to stretch time (besides using longer sentences). Anyway … it’s here: http://scottcheck.blogspot.com/2012/04/sitting-in-sun-this-weeks-photo-prompt.html

    PS: I can’t find a way to post a comment at Linda’s site. Tell her I was there, would you?

    • Apparently, the silhouette thing with field mice is true, at least I’ve been led to believe it. I always thought that the shape of a high collar, like pictures of Satan, Cruellla DeVille and Ming of Mongo were a shape that we respond to.

  3. Hi Carlos! Overall, a chilling and unnerving tale. I’m worried about what will happen when she comes out too and the metaphor about the mice was fantastic.
    If I may, a couple of concrit thoughts which you are of course free to ignore:
    I’d lose the “her silouhette was indelibly ingrained” line and go stragiht from recognition to the metaphor. I think that would make it stronger. You can put the deleted line in after “voluptuous” if you like, but I’d be tempted not to.
    After “stunning” I think you need a different kind of punctuation, such as a dash or colon, as the other adjectives aren’t things most men would find her, they are facts.

    Little things, but I think they would polish this up nicely.

    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/

    • I have no idea what she is to him either; somehow, the story didn’t come to me from that direction. I was thinking of the shape imprint thing more than of the character. In that sense, it is barely a story, more like a poem, I guess. If I knew what a poem is.

  4. What a shame to have such beauty attributed to terror. Interesting story, Carlos, I enjoyed it and glad you were in on the loop this week!

    • Thanks , Madison, glad to be back. I really don’t understand it myself. It was just the idea that certain shapes can be genetically passed on as threatening, then maybe I thought of those silhouettes on trucks’ mudflaps; I don’t know.

      • Oh! Haha! Yes, I see the mudflap connection. And I understood about the innate shape-dangers. It was a good story, went deeper than the surface. *Interesting* is good 🙂

  5. Dear Carlos,

    Male black widows must feel something akin to what your MC was going through. Do they know their eventual fate even before it/she comes into view? Hawk was a delightful tale with far more truth to it than most men would ever admit. In answer to your question; they recognize the mice and the men alike, just sometimes refuse to acknowledge us. Reminds me that sometimes the best thing that can ever happen to a man is unanswered prayers. Well done this week, sir.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • Thank you, Doug. Possibly Ms Glamoura had something when she noticed we were interpreting that hole in the ground differently than the women… There is a cute cartoon on my FB site (although, since Timeline, I have no idea where) about men, women and punctuation.

  6. Carlos, this is such a gorgeous description — especially “with bone-chilling terror at the shape of a hawk wing shadow gliding…”

    I love it. Nice work.

    • Thanks, Lora. Yes, I’ve known some too – in fact, there is probably one amongst my motley collection of FB friends – but I wasn’t thinking of any when I wrote the story, I was just thinking of shapes and their imprint on our conscious/subconscious mind.

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