Hawk
I waited for her to come out. There were convenient benches, but I did not sit; I was too agitated. When would she come out? Would she see me over here? Would she recognise me?
I knew I’d recognise her. Her silhouette was indelibly ingrained in my mind. Baby field mice are born with bone-chilling terror at the shape of a hawk wing shadow gliding across the terrain; she was that to me.
Most men would say she was stunning, flowing hair, long legs, voluptuous, but her shape was a hawk’s shadow; the terror was imprinted in me.
Once again a vivid little tale, and a great metaphor/simile. Perfectly written, concise and evocative. The wild contrast of the voluptuos woman striking fear into this man’s soul akin to the instintual fear of the field mouse – really striking, literally.
Good job,
Lindaura
Thank you, deeply, Ms Glamoura. I had a little editorial help on this one and I really appreciate it.
Neat little tale – I was feeling a bit apprehensive about her arrival myself. Well done.
http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/a-place-to-die-for-friday-fictioneers-13-april-2012/
Thanks, Sandra. I know a couple of Jungian psychologists and I don’t think I want them to read this…
Excellent job. The lady is a…mouse eater!
http://quillshiv.com/2012/04/12/flash-fiction-faction-from-agatha/
Yes, and the question is, am I a man or a mouse?
You put a piece of cheese down there, and you’ll find out.
Tying the mouse’s memory or instinct and the man’s fear or apprenhension together is brilliant.
Thanks, Craig. It’s a factoid that has been laying around in my memory for years, that creatures are born with the images of certain shapes to be afraid of and I finally got to use it. Never throw anything out, it might be useful some day.
I’ve known women like that. *shudder* Not a big fan of them, honestly. But this was wonderfully told. I loved the metaphor. Thank you for sharing this!
Here’s mine:
http://sarahthestoryteller.wordpress.com
Thanks, Sarah. Maybe it’s like that Amerind scorpion myth that ends with “I can’t help it; I’m a scorpion.”
Carlos, again you pull this safely on us…was wondering what the MC is when i read your reply to Quill…i think you are a man! the bit about baby mice was just a deserving metaphor. Well Done on this.
http://seewilliams.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/l-for-lifes-choices-friday-flash-fictioneers/
Thank you, Charles. But, I must say, I like cheese…
A hawk, but I also couldn’t shake the thought of maybe a stalker. I hope he finds the nerve to talk to her this time. A very nice story with evocative language.
Here’s mine:
http://michaelsfishbowl.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/my-final-rest/
I used to marry women like that!
I think Linda pretty much nailed it in terms of analysis. Concise, evocative, and so much more to come.
Ironically, I went in exactly the opposite direction this week … a rare subject matter for me, and compounded by my option to use only dialogue. As I pointed out at Madison’s site, the pacing was problematic and would appreciate suggestions for how to stretch time (besides using longer sentences). Anyway … it’s here: http://scottcheck.blogspot.com/2012/04/sitting-in-sun-this-weeks-photo-prompt.html
PS: I can’t find a way to post a comment at Linda’s site. Tell her I was there, would you?
I love the idea of the silhouette imprinting terror on the character’s mind! I love the comparison to the mouse, too. (A mousy man? Man or a mouse?)
Good job.
http://littlewonder2.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/friday-fictioneers-halfway-bridge/
Apparently, the silhouette thing with field mice is true, at least I’ve been led to believe it. I always thought that the shape of a high collar, like pictures of Satan, Cruellla DeVille and Ming of Mongo were a shape that we respond to.
Hi Carlos! Overall, a chilling and unnerving tale. I’m worried about what will happen when she comes out too and the metaphor about the mice was fantastic.
If I may, a couple of concrit thoughts which you are of course free to ignore:
I’d lose the “her silouhette was indelibly ingrained” line and go stragiht from recognition to the metaphor. I think that would make it stronger. You can put the deleted line in after “voluptuous” if you like, but I’d be tempted not to.
After “stunning” I think you need a different kind of punctuation, such as a dash or colon, as the other adjectives aren’t things most men would find her, they are facts.
Little things, but I think they would polish this up nicely.
I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/
Thanks, Elmo. I was of many minds about the punctuation toward the end, with colon and semicolons ad nauseum, but, worrying that I sometimes use too much fancy punctuation, ended up just leaving it the way it is.
This left me wondering what she was to him, that he feared her yet waited on her. Very interesting…
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/13/friday-fictioneers-3/
Frankly, I don’t know either. But I liked the mystery of it. Thanks!
Nicely done. Great metaphor and I was nervous that she’d appear. Glad she didn’t.
My story, “Shell Shocked” is here: http://www.banterwithbeth.blogspot.com/
I’m left wondering what this woman is to him, though I really liked the metaphor laid out, the hawk and the mouse.
Mine’s this-a-way:
http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/134/
I have no idea what she is to him either; somehow, the story didn’t come to me from that direction. I was thinking of the shape imprint thing more than of the character. In that sense, it is barely a story, more like a poem, I guess. If I knew what a poem is.
Hmmm….he’s waiting for her, yet he is terrified of her. What a perplexing situation. Who is she?! Good job this week, Carols!
~Susan (http://www.susanwenzel.com/)
Thanks, Susan. Perplexing to me too.
What a shame to have such beauty attributed to terror. Interesting story, Carlos, I enjoyed it and glad you were in on the loop this week!
Thanks , Madison, glad to be back. I really don’t understand it myself. It was just the idea that certain shapes can be genetically passed on as threatening, then maybe I thought of those silhouettes on trucks’ mudflaps; I don’t know.
Oh! Haha! Yes, I see the mudflap connection. And I understood about the innate shape-dangers. It was a good story, went deeper than the surface. *Interesting* is good 🙂
Dear Carlos,
Male black widows must feel something akin to what your MC was going through. Do they know their eventual fate even before it/she comes into view? Hawk was a delightful tale with far more truth to it than most men would ever admit. In answer to your question; they recognize the mice and the men alike, just sometimes refuse to acknowledge us. Reminds me that sometimes the best thing that can ever happen to a man is unanswered prayers. Well done this week, sir.
Aloha,
Doug
Thank you, Doug. Possibly Ms Glamoura had something when she noticed we were interpreting that hole in the ground differently than the women… There is a cute cartoon on my FB site (although, since Timeline, I have no idea where) about men, women and punctuation.
Carlos, this is such a gorgeous description — especially “with bone-chilling terror at the shape of a hawk wing shadow gliding…”
I love it. Nice work.
Thank you, Doug. Possibly Ms Glamoura had something when she noticed we were interpreting that hole in the ground differently than the women… There is a cute cartoon on my FB site (although, since Timeline, I have no idea where) about men, women and punctuation.
Coming from you, Lime, that is high praise. Thank you very much.
Very vivid. I really enjoyed this one. Loved the metaphor of the hawk. Couldn’t help but think of that Hall & Oats song.
Here’s mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/04/13/the-incident/
Thanks, Janet. Hall & Oates song? All I remember is She’s Gone from Abandoned Luncheonette… oh, wait, I know… Maneater, right?
Wow…a tale and yet not a tale. I’ve known women who were gorgeous hawklike maneaters and did my best to warn my male friends. Some took heed…others didn’t and were sorry later. Terrific take on the prompt. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
Thanks, Lora. Yes, I’ve known some too – in fact, there is probably one amongst my motley collection of FB friends – but I wasn’t thinking of any when I wrote the story, I was just thinking of shapes and their imprint on our conscious/subconscious mind.
Interesting take on this pic. I’m still not sure if we’re talking about humans or rodents. Good job.
Mine: http://shirleymccann.blogspot.com/2012/04/nightmare.html
Neither. Shadows and shapes. Thanks for reading!